I know it is not really advisable to blog when ones brain is nearly burned out from all the over time at work. Especially when the nature of your job requires you staring at the computer for more than 12 hours a day; the last thing you want to do when you get home is, face your laptop. But it’s a little different.. in the sense that, you’re not running clients accounts or even trying to please clients requests over emails via your laptop.. but doing something else. Something more than just doing what you gotta do for a living.. get the drift? becos I don’t.

I feel exhausted just thinking about work. I miss having my quiet time, just lazing and doing nothing. Just a book will do. I’m beginning to dread my entire adulthood though it has barely started.

I started thinking a hell lot about what I want in life with recent, and I’m still thinking. I won’t deny this - I do not like working and I’m doing it for the sake of … life. So I decided to make the best out of it, by doing something which I’m passionate about - volunteering.

Been wanting to do so for a very very long time but my previous work hours did not permit my passion from happening. Now I can! I just volunteered myself with the company’s voluntary group.. For this month, we have to help needy children/young teens with disability. Feeling quite excited about it and I know it’s going to be really tiring. But, I know I will enjoy it alot. This is my way of contributing back to the society, and the unfortunate.. I wish to make it somewhere one day, and volunteer actively for NGO/NPO UNESCO. One day..

Even so, I would like to do more than that… I’m still thinking of ways I can help without being too concerned monetary wise. Sigh, sadly the world talks money.

Sometimes I really wonder, why would some people volunteer themselves yet can’t be bothered about their own family’s well-being?  It’s really quite disturbing.

I hid my compassion away because I was being pushed over by, and I forgot how to be compassionate.. I became somewhat cruel, mean, wicked.. any adjective that fits that line. Best word would be selfish. But, I built patience along the way of selfishness because I thought, why put myself along the same line as them when I know I’m better and I can be better? And so I did. I did it well, and many are surprised by it. After being exposed to another side of the world, I learned to grit my teeth, bear the insults, discrimination, prejudices. I found back compassion, sympathy, empathy and understanding. I found back most importantly, patience. I learned to swallow anger, swallow judgments and I’m still learning to see the better of things. Hope I’m getting there..

I think it will be a better side of me this year, I hope. I wish to say that, I’ve grown up..

My place is undergoing major renovations next month which means I’m not at the comfort of being lazy and doing nothing everyday. This brings me to another point which I will talk about later on.

Still deciding where should I stay. But anyways, haven’t been blogging and I really felt like it today because I’m slightly fuller now, with complaints that is. I would like to see it as unsolvable/beyond my means problems and not complaints though. I’ve done many things, made new friends, lost some friends, accepted a proposal, graduated, saw a blue sparrow for the very first time, etc. Now, I’m back here.. and I’m at the transition cycle where ‘Euphoria’ is long over and ‘Reality’ sets in.

I’ve graduated and I’ve yet to start applying for jobs because I’m damn busy helping my mom and even if I’m not, I’m too damn exhausted to think about applying for jobs now. Seen many job ads that are really awesome but doesn’t kick start my drive and sense of urgency. Which brings me to the point of being in my comfort zone. I’m too comfortable lazing around everyday (not exactly lazing also) and I feel comfortable not having a job. Everyone around me knows I’m very hesitant about going into the working life now. Sigh…. Responsibilities piling up bit by bit, and I can feel it. Mostly because everyone around me is working whilst I’m happily idling away. But you don’t know what I’m going through now, so please don’t judge.

Despite me not having/actively looking for a job right now, I feel the stress which I’ve long predicted, and that I would be going through, right before I graduated. Everyone is ‘happy for me’ because ‘you’re finally stress free’: they are so damn wrong. In fact, the moment I completed my university studies, was the time that I believe I would start to feel real stress. Stress in finding a job, stress in handling company biasness/differences/politics. Stress in monetary and finance issues due to additional and future responsibilities that I would partake.

No one enjoys academic stress, but seriously academic stress is nothing compared to work stress. Of course, its of different variations and indefinitely incomparable. I have many dreams, aspirations and ambitions in life that are attainable somehow BUT.. the barriers which I have to overcome is probably laziness and myself. I’m ambitious but I probably lack encouragment from the right people. I might seem like I’m talking “day-dream” but actually I know what I want just that it’s difficult to express it sometimes.

It is probably myself that is not ready to step out. I’ve seen friends change after entering the ‘real world’, becoming selfish, greedy, boastful and what nots. It’s also probably because my ideal job/jobscope is currently non-existant and far from reach because of the horrifying economy that is taking too slow to recover. It could be because of my waivering self confidence which has been brought down further by certain someone(s).

Being away for the last four years was really great for me, but it isn’t always as great as it seems. I lost touch with people’s lives’, my family’s way of living, the 18 teenage years. Lost the great happiness in me, grew older maybe wiser and definitely more mature. I think more than I used to, more impulsive yet less impulsive if you get what I mean. More rational but I am irrational of certain things still. It’s not always great because you become slightly delusional forcing yourself to believe in things you don’t: only because you have to. Fortunately, I’m not implying on myself. I’m just telling you, that my four years abroad were not in vain. Many people think they are ready to get the heck out of their comfort zone to venture out, but I swear.. it’s only because the comfort zone is getting too boring. It’s nothing of that sort. I agree I’m lucky to have been able to get this chance to go away and start a life I never thought about before. Lucky for me, I’m highly adaptable and I have never felt homesick once. I did feel home-(adelaide)-sick whenever I am back in SG though.

Four years of building a different similar life I lead here and in Adelaide. Four years of ‘growing’ into who I am right now today. Four years later, I leave everything behind for a life I’m no longer willing to embrace with open arms because of the habitual side in me.  Four years of figuring out everything myself, despite not being financially independent: which is also probably my last phase of being ‘youthful’.. also which I’m finding difficulty in facing ‘it’ right now.

I loved my life in Adelaide, particularly and specifically Adelaide. I love being able to sit on the bus alone and look out the window, allowing my mind to wander freely and thinking everyday that I’m happy with my life being stagnantly boring yet exhilarating. I enjoy feeling chilled out everyday regardless the face-numbingly cold winter gust, chilling autumn breeze or the annoying scary bees during spring. I enjoy being a nearly 3-month tourist to SG every year for my summer holidays and I’ve embraced the thought of just being a tourist and nothing more than that.

I miss Adelaide, and to be honest.. I really didn’t want to come back.

It’s much easier to see your friends move on without you from afar than to realise it when you’re back that ‘YOU ARE NO LONGER’. Despite the regular updates, until you get on by face to face, you are STILL far behind them. No doubts about that.

I’m at a point where I’m ready to throw away everything just to return to where I was, but even better. I’m just not willing to see people by me hurt while I move on without them. Sigh……

Post graduate thoughts in short: Hesitations and reluctance makes sacrificing even more so difficult. I’m stressed out for unknown reasons & I miss Adelaide.

My final exam results were out few days back and I have finally completed my University education; sparking a fusion of feelings such that of contentment, excite, confusion, relief, reluctant, anxiety and happiness.

Four years of anticipation. Four years of sheer panic. Four years of stress. Four years of venture. Four years of self learning. Four years on.. I’m still growing, but I know I’ve grown. From being a mid-18 year old girl excited to be able to study with her significant other in a foreign land, to becoming a mid-22 year old lady about to embark on a new journey once again. Not to mention, a new bout of stress.

Four years ago, my granddad made his way to the better place right before I started my Uni education. Four years later, I lost my grandma when she made her way to the better place right before my final exams. & she is my biggest loss along with my greatest achievement in life thus far.

I’ve learnt that in life, you’ve got to stretch beyond your reach in order to aim further and move even farther. And that knowing your capabilities and limits is one of the determinants to some of your many life’s achievement.

During the times of adversity, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Other than that, at times, I really wish I could and am in a position to ask for more. It seems not like it, and won’t be like it as long as I remain where I am today. Today, and everyday for the rest of my life till decided, it’s like I’m in the time of adversity.

Sometimes even if you don’t compare, the vast contrast can be seen. Most of the time, of course we compare.. it’s our human nature to compare, compete and contradict. I, on the other hand, can only compare, capitulate and concede. I’m not reserved a right to compete and contradict because I’m a minority. Minorities don’t get priority over anything else, unless they are being used for some matter. Else, never.

As tough and as strong as I may be perceived as, I’m like everyone else: I have pitfalls. This is one of those months.

It’s raining, it’s cold.. and I wish I had you by my side because I’m not okay. In times of adversity, a glass of wine or lychee martini would definitely make you feel better.. well, for me it does.

There are things that I don’t say, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t feel or know.

It’s like a feeling of being underestimated yet also a feeling of betrayal and many things else. It is definitely a constantly naggy feeling you get; you try yet you can’t get over it.

I will still choose to keep mummed about it, but it doesn’t imply that there’s an endless limit.

Moderation, is all I’m saying. Moderation.

Change. It’s time for a change.